An Open Letter to White Women
I have now watched the entire footage of the recent attack by Abigail Elphick on Ijeoma Ukenta in New Jersey. I viewed it on Viola Davis' IGTV HERE.
As a white and Latina woman, I can tell you honestly I have witnessed microcosms of this behavior in nearly every training I have co-facilitated with my business partner (a black man) over the past year. [*this doesn't include my own witnessing of this behavior for decades, too - just pointing out it happens in antiracism trainings with white women who have *volunteered* to be part of because they want to "do" something --- we never have orgs mandate our training; not our approach]. Read that again if you need to.
Many white women do not know or deeply understand the historical significance of how their behaviors have killed black people for centuries - specifically black men. Including white women I talk with who are dating or married to black men. And white women who adopt black children. There are many reasons you may not know - so do not get caught up in this at the moment. One glaring reason though is the carefully designed and systemically racist ecosystem that is American culture.
I also want to be clear that I am not an expert on the black lived experience. And I do not and will not speak for the black community.
What I can tell you is 100% my expertise? ME AND MY LIVED EXPERIENCES
Though I have black family members, black ancestors and Mali blood in my DNA [along with Taíno - yo soy Boricua!!]-- until people see my name they often assume me as white only or say something like "you look ethnic" or "you're not quite vanilla".
I won't give you the rundown of all the other regions of my DNA but I do love learning about ME. Okay - but Scottish? And Irish?! That's pretty cool!!! Oh yea. And I have a lot of Amish relatives.
I've learned how to better identify and handle microagressions [those asserted against me and those I have asserted] over the years and I'm a human so I have and will always learn from a lot of my mistakes. Believe me, I make many. Especially as a white-passing woman living and working in predominantly black and brown communities for 15+ years.
This is where I need to be brutally truthful: you, white women, you have to actually give a shit about YOU and learning about and accepting your own identity. My suggestion is to focus on understanding and embracing your own identity and history before you attempt to learn and engage with people outside your similar lived experiences. You are not monolithic.
So let's break this down...
Part of my lived experience is conducting cultural research within the realm of cultural psychology and cultural neuroscience. When you consider the cultural psychology lens --- we can confidently assert that one must fully and authentically accept who they are and understand their own cultural narrative [culture is: norms, beliefs, values, language, symbols] before they can change or be receptive to accepting the TRUTHS and LIVED EXPERIENCES of others. Your tears [when real] are due to your discomfort within yourself. When white women blame how they feel on a minoritized person not conforming to their norms - it just shows me that you do not understand yourself. Your feelings are your response and reaction to your emotions. In other words, you may be in need of some supports to learn how to identify and regulate your emotions.
If you stay in a place of shame you will never be able to un-center yourself and see black people as equal and with authentic love. Why? Shame tells us we are "all alone". Shame has us believing we deserve a certain type of treatment.
So, if shame tells us a story that we are deserving of a certain treatment --- this often manifests as PRIVILEGE and SUPERIORITY THINKING. [a.k.a. WHITE PRIVILEGE]
Race was a social construct designed by humans to control, oppress, and create power structures for people who are white to reign supreme. A caste system based on color. And the United States sprinkled this caste system into the founding of its country with the original influencer strategy: "let's position it as freedom and equal access..." - conditional, of course.
The construct of race is pure evil. And yes, this is a greater spiritual battle. But what is not going to happen here is giving any human an opt-out through spiritual bypassing.
Black, white, brown --- any and all shades --- if you live in the United States, accepting that our country was founded centered on white, patriarchal, heteronormative being the most SUPREME culture...and everything else is less than...is an extremely important piece of moving towards reconciliation. This is the TRUTH. America is the implementation blueprint for white supremacy culture and has been indoctrinated in all of us intentionally since our country was founded. Nazi Germany attempted a similar implementation blueprint succeeding with the genocide of approximately 60% of the entire Jewish population. The difference is that their plan was more overt and America's plan has been embedded through law, policy, and institutions [including the church].
White women --- including those of us who pass---you may struggle to accept this truth because your America has been centered around your comfort. Your privilege. Your shame.
Hmmm...there's that word shame again. I read a quote recently from some of Brené Brown's earlier work where she stated: "Shame corrodes the parts of us that believe we can do better."
She went on to write: "Guilt is when we hold who we are or what we've done up against the person we want to be."
Emotional reactions can cause any human to react in shocking ways. And this is a shared experience relatable to anyone -- no matter your racial classification. However, we must first create space to accurately identify + process our emotions before we ever consider "taking action" or "doing" something.
Shame really only has one weapon that can kill it: EMPATHY
So, white women - here are the things you can "DO"
What to STOP doing
- Replicating superiority structures by trying to "one-up" each other by the number of books you've read about race. And then trying to "call people out"...
- Expecting us [minoritized groups] to sacrifice our identities so you can be comfortable.
- Questioning the lived experiences and truths of those black people in America who have courageously chosen to share their centuries of pain, grief, and trauma with you.
As one of my top 10 favorite authors James Baldwin wrote in his acclaimed 1962 piece "Letter from a Region in My Mind":
"Whatever white people do not know about Negroes reveals, precisely and inexorably, what they do not know about themselves.”
What You Can DO
- Focus on developing empathy for yourself. Empathy is rooted in passion and comes roughly translated from the Greek term แผν πฮฌθος -- or "en pathos". When you actually break down the intention of the word, it is tied to developing a passion ABOUT someone. We can never know what it means to walk a day in someone else's shoes. Don't pretend to be someone you are not. SO - identify who you are first and what you are passionate about. If you can't do this for yourself - you definitely cannot become passionate nor accepting about someone else's lived experiences.
- Create space to BE. Again, *so often* I hear white women [specifically since George Floyd's murder] say "What can I do???" This implies you have subconsciously internalized that black people need you to save them. This is an example of white supremacy at work. This is the work of masterful centuries of marketing by 'Merica. You are not exempt just because you don't go out at night and put on a white sheet.
Being hyper-focused on "doing" and "taking action" also lends itself to performance orientation which centers your deeply personal and introspective work [any deconstruction work should be] back on what you "did". Another caveat about this: your need to "DO" and "take action" or tell the world about how you are "doing the work" comes from the need to center yourself. This is about unlearning the ecosystem that is the "United" States.
We know a tree's fruits by its roots - and performative roots are rotten, toxic, and die off - producing no fruit. No evidence of transformation.
Finally, spend time asking yourself questions and becoming an expert on YOU and your own emotions + reactions [produces feelings]. No one can do this heavy lifting for you - except you. But there are SO MANY incredible ways you can find your own identity.
Part of this identity, if you are a white-passing woman in the United States, is the horrific history of the relationship between white women and black people - specifically black men. If you have never heard of a white woman named Carolyn Bryant and 14-year-old Emmett Till (who was lynched because of her), start there. Then, I recommend reading Cady Lang's article from TIME "How the 'Karen Meme' Confronts the Violent History of White Womanhood"
Again - this is not about heaping shame on yourself. It is about truth + acceptance.
Shame cannot survive the power of empathy.
It is about accepting truth. And, perhaps the most important thing you can "do" is BE with yourself and learn + accept your own identity and history.
And when you start to feel exhausted, know that your journey is not going to be all sunshine and butterflies [p.s. butterflies go through a pretty extensive painful process to become the creature they are].
So, white women, when it feels heavy from your learning - just imagine your privilege of solely having to learn about racism. Remember that your fellow Americans who are black experience racism every day in our country [after all, it is the intentional design of America] on top of carrying the terror and trauma of their ancestors.
You already have power. And you do not have to be enemy #1 [only if you choose to be].
You get to decide.
- Will you choose silence and violence or allyship and accompliceship?
- Will you choose performance and shaming others or authenticity and vulnerability?
About the Author
Justine Gonzalez is an Indiana native and first-generation college grad having served in both Chicago Public and Indianapolis Public Schools. Her consulting firm, EducatorAide, partners with organizations to help cultivate culturally connected, equitable, and inclusive environments.
Justine is a PhD candidate, has presented for ASCD, writes a column for The Indianapolis Recorder, and is co-author of the book The Social Capital Quotient. She volunteers as a board member for two organizations: EducateME Foundation and the Midwest Center for Social Services. She and her sister host a podcast called The Sunflower Society where they talk candidly about deconstruction, personal growth, identity healing with plenty of humor too. Her sister, Kara Gonzalez-Howard, is CEO of Spiritually Strategic Co. - a company the Gonzalez sisters co-founded.
